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Helping Children
Cope Even While You Grieve
Theresa
V. Wilson, M.Ed.
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Age is not a
prerequisite to grief. Not
unlike their parents, a child must be allowed to experience the stages of
grief. Denial of opportunity
to “release” feelings, participate in family loss, and share in
recovery may be very damaging to the health and well being of the child.
You
do not have to be a psychologist or therapist to understand and use basic
tools to address the needs of a grieving child.
It does require recognition that “kids are people too,” and
acceptance that their process of mending is no different than adults.
Whether death or divorce, the stages of a child’s emotional
recuperating are very similar to adults, and must be fully addressed by
the parents in order to reap positive results.
Never
assume you know what your child may be thinking or feeling.
Even in the closest relationships, he or she will keep their most
intimate feelings as they assess, for themselves, the impact of the
emotional trauma and related environment issues that have been forced upon
them. There are general
stages of grief manifested in behaviors, attitudes and changes similar to
the following:
Initial
Shock
which can be manifested in periods of withdrawal and silence or through
wild behavior and disobedience;
Emotional
Release
which is a stage of
becoming more aware of their loss and reacting with dramatic release of
various emotions including crying without cause, striking siblings or
becoming easily provoked. Some
youth may exhibit a variety of disruptive behaviors in school in addition
to anti-social responses at home;
Physical
Symptoms
include sleepless nights, nightmares, abnormal eating habits and digestive
problems; and finally
Guilt
Feelings
exhibited by blaming others for what they feel they have done to create
the situation. Some youth blame the surviving parent for their feelings of
sadness and avoidance or rebellion.
The
road to recovery for youth may require that adults take a proactive role.
There are several activities parents can use to create an atmosphere of
comfort and support. These
activities also encourage a closer communication between parent and child
that moves far beyond the immediate crisis.
-
Encourage
your child to prepare a picture album of favorite activities they
experienced with the loved one. This
may include family outings, birthday celebrations, or special events
and holidays.
-
Encourage
the child to write a story or “diary of events” about positive
experiences they remember when the loved one was with them (purchase a
colorful diary or notebook and include a “special pen” the child
can use for this activity. Make
this a personal experience for them that no one else may share.
Do ask to read their diary entries or short stories.
Let them offer to share when they are ready. If the child is unsure how to begin, suggest they develop a
summary around the picture album.
-
Encourage
the child to draw pictures of pleasant memories. Purchase a combination of crayons, paint and brushes.
Make the project unique to them. Keep it easy and convenient to
begin by making it clear supplies will be available as they find the
need for them. The key
here is to make sure their interest in expressing themselves is not
dampened by the lack of supplies.
The
key ingredient is your openness to explore whatever creative ideas are
necessary to help your child move through the grief process and not become
stagnate in any one phase. In
helping children cope with the loss of someone they love, keep the
following in mind:
-
Be
honest and direct and truthful in explaining what happened. Creating
stories to “protect” feelings may make the grief process more
difficult in the long run.
-
Allow
and encourage children to express their feelings openly.
Let them know that crying is normal, helpful and acceptable.
Don’t put time limits on this process.
Each child is unique and will move along at a pace most
comfortable to him. Don’t
compare or contrast one child with another and categorize strengths or
weaknesses. Help them
know you accept their feelings, support positive choices and will
guide them through negative experiences along the way.
-
Accept
individual emotions and reactions and don’t tell the child what he
or she should or should not feel.
-
Listen
to what the child is saying then focus on responding to the child’s
needs. Avoid putting
words in their mouth or thoughts in their head.
Become a good listener.
-
Be
a strong foundation, maintaining as much stability in the child’s
life as you are able.
-
Encourage
the child to be part of some of the decisions the family will make
during the death planning process.
Take time to explain the process and procedures and always ask
them how they feel. Don’t
band them from discussions.
-
Be
patient, recognizing that children may need to hear what happened
again and again and will ask the same questions over and over.
Not unlike the learning curve in school, repetition is helpful
to reinforcing the meaning of an end of life process.
What
can you do for YOU?
What
can you do? Live!
Be healthy and survive. We
have the power within us to move forward in the journey of transitioning
from loss to transforming in life. Many
of us get stuck in neutral, allowing negative, anxious, or angry thoughts
and feelings of helplessness and despair.
These internal enemies seek to steal your joy, kill your dreams and
destroy your physical body. You have the power, however, to “think yourself” healed,
to “speak positive affirmations” no matter how things look or how you
feel, and to “take charge of caring for your physical health.
The
mind is a dangerous weapon in time of grief.
It is important, therefore, to focus and avoid your tendency to
stray toward helpless negative thoughts by surrounding and immersing
yourself in an atmosphere of peace and comfort.
Sometimes, use of external support and comfort by controlling the
environment through sound therapy can be helpful. Simple choices can include avoiding television, with its loud
commercials, unexpected violence and death scenes, and negative news media
or using soothing music and nature sound machines. These easily accessible tools can help create a therapeutic
atmosphere conducive for mental relaxation and can promote healthy body
functions. Sound therapy can
reduce stress, encourage sleep, and promote physical health.
Our
tongues are weapons that can be used to help or inflict enormous harm on
ourselves. It is important to
be mindful of what we say in our quiet times of grief reflection and
emotional pan. We can set the
tone and atmosphere in our homes and in the lives of our children that
will last their lifetimes. Are you responsible for their state of mind?
Yes. We are
responsible for how they experience the grief process now and in their
future. By helping them, we
help ourselves. By walking
our children through exercises and activities that encourage them to
express their feelings, we gain a better understanding of where we are in
the grief process. We can also speak to our grief, identify our issues
(expressed in anger, withdrawal, overeating, or lack of eating), so that
they can be addressed when we are ready.
Health
issues tend to be overlooked during the grieving process.
Often, even family members allow too much time to elapse before
confronting the loved one over diet related changes they have noticed in
the grieving individual. No
matter what we experience emotionally, our bodies require maintenance and
care. The worse thing that
could happen for anyone is to reach a level of emotional recovery, only to
face physical health issues that developed as a result of the grieving
process.
You
are what you eat or don’t eat. If
you find yourself “slipping” in to a I don’t care attitude about
food, seek help from a friend. Sometimes
it is only a matter of being reminded to eat a meal or to take a vitamin.
A simple phone call reminder or visit for company while you eat may
be all that is necessary. You may also want to establish a ritual with our children so
that it may be used as a bonding time for them.
Food
supplements
are an important nutritional asset to replace some of the nutrients you
may miss by skipping meals or eating the wrong things.
Loss of appetite is natural. Loss of essential nutrients that
prevent illness and weakens the immune system is dangerous, and the
process for renewal and regeneration can be lengthy and often costly.
You might ask yourself “how can I focus on my health when I
recovering from my loss?” A
better question might be “Can I afford not to care?”
Can you make room for our health, so that you can be healthy for
your children?” Count the
cost and then take charge of how you feel.
Grieving
is an individual wilderness experience that is not exclusive to adults.
Shock, anger, denial, guilt and behavior changes are human
responses. Children need
adults to help them connect to their resources, maintain a positive
attitude, and walk in faith believing that they will heal and get through
it. Knowing that someone
cares will help make their “wilderness” journey easier to bear. Both
you and your child will be victorious if you take a step back from your
own pain, watch your health, and remember that children
grieve too.
Theresa
V. Wilson, M.Ed. is a freelance writer and owner of a home based business
dedicated to providing products and resources for grieving families and
caregivers facing health recovery and crisis related issues. Her Grief and
Health support sites are www.meetingtheneeds.or
and www.renewingyourhealth.org
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