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Rev.
Hiram Johnson, LCSW
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Healing
the Guilt and Shame
by
Rev. Hiram Johnson, LCSW
In
honor and memory of Tina
Watson
A
SURVIVOR’S JOURNEY AND COUNSEL
ON
DISCOVERING MEANING AND PURPOSE
AFTER EXPERIENCING
TRAGEDY
AND LOSS.
A
wounded healer offers
encouragement
and hope
to
readers who have encountered
tragedy,
pain and loss.
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On
December 18, 1979, I was the driver in a tragic car accident in which a
17-year-old girl later died on Christmas Day. Although I wasn’t speeding
(35 mph) and drugs and alcohol were not a factor, I was distracted for an
instant and ran head on into an oak tree which stood only two feet from
the road. We had seven people in the car and none of us were wearing
seatbelts. There were multiple injuries throughout the vehicle.
While
still in ICU, the horrific and shocking news of the girl’s death
devastated me. A few days later, I would discover that her father was
killed three years earlier in a car accident. Once out of the hospital, I
visited the girl’s mother and through our tears, she immediately forgave
me. In fact, after all this woman was going through, she comforted me.
Nine months later, her 15-year-old daughter was
also killed in an unrelated car accident. To this day, the mother and
surviving family members define endurance as well as any human being(s)
can.
One
of my biggest mistakes following our accident was my refusal to talk about
it. It felt like a sense of nobility in carrying the pain with me. At this
time, I actually wanted the burden because I felt I deserved it. Over the
next several months I spiraled downward emotionally into deep despair, a
bottomless dark pit of depression
caused by relentless guilt and shame. I fell in love with my sorrow, too.
Pity can be a dangerous partner. In another crucial mistake in trying to
grieve or cope with Tina’s death, I chose alcohol to numb and dull the
pain. I had grown up in an alcoholic atmosphere, but in no way was that an
excuse. I drank just like anyone does. I chose to. Though alcohol can initially dull our emotional pain,
it also dulls our passion for God. But
as long as I avoided the pain, I avoided healing. And God wouldn’t
heal what I continued to avoid. I struggled with humanity’s biggest
addiction of all—the addiction to self. In the years to come, I would
discover that recovery is an ongoing passage to freedom.
Too
many people suffer needlessly from unresolved guilt and shame. Often, it
is our misunderstanding of their divine dynamics that prevents us from
living in a liberated and Godly lifestyle. Guilt and shame are normal,
healthy and necessary emotions, intended to guide our behavior like a
check and balance mechanism. Appropriate guilt and shame leads to
redemptive desire and helps prevent the perils of self-absorption. Both
guilt and shame are divinely designed to be instructive in nature.
Unfortunately, many people tend to take guilt and shame to their extremes,
being burdened by the weight of them, or possibly worse, having no guilt
and shame at all. We live in a culture that far too often lacks shame.
Guilt
can be very difficult to resolve because of so many potential inner
payoffs that most of us are unaware of i.e. an unconscious
pleasure from suffering, and a sense of connectedness to someone who
may have died. Similarly, guilt (survival) can be an after-the-fact
expression of loyalty to the dead.
In survivor guilt, we can feel our healing is at the expense of the person
who died, while also feeling the wrong person died or survived. Our grief
process can be further complicated because we may prefer
to feel guilty rather than to feel lonely, empty or helpless. Many
people shy away from releasing themselves from guilt and shame because by
doing so, they feel it doesn’t
honor the depth of their wrong
doing. Before we realize it, guilt can evolve into just another form
of self- indulgence.
A healthy sense of shame
can actually be a form of humility before God. It can also be an
invitation to grace. Toxic shame, on the other hand, is based on things
outside of ourselves, i.e. the flawed perceptions of others or self
primarily due to rejection, betrayal and broken trust. It is a
relationship wound that often feels like a wound made from the inside. It
was once described as a hemorrhage of the soul. Toxic shame breeds in silence. We may crave
external affirmations for our internal shame. Generally, guilt is what we
feel when we make a mistake. Toxic shame can make us feel we are a
mistake.
The
only thing that can conquer our false sense of guilt and toxic shame are
God’s grace and forgiveness. Indeed, forgiveness is the most powerful
experience a human being can have, but it is also often the most
misunderstood. In fact, we only discover our sense of identity and value
through God’s pardon alone. He never asks us to extend more grace and
forgiveness, even to ourselves, than He has already given us. When
we refuse to forgive ourselves
(or others), we are giving
ourselves higher standards of forgiveness than
God. We are also choosing to remain a victim. And as long as someone
else is responsible for our behavior, we will never get better. Refusing
to forgive is the destruction of joy. Forgiving
ourselves is taking a bold step into power.
Tragedy
never has to have the last word. Christ’s resurrection from the darkness
of death is our basis of hope in the midst of tragedy. (Acts 2:23-36).
Hope, once defined as a memory of the future, eventually comes to terms
with tragedy and heartache. So often, trust may start on the dark lonely
side of painful and what may feel like unbearable circumstances. If we
allow Him, God will recycle our grief and any emotional baggage and
transform it into an instrument for redemption. (Ephesians 1:7).
Jesus
chose to drink the cup of redemptive and creative suffering. He chose a
path leading into the teeth of suffering (John 10:17-18). As the brilliant
French philosopher, Simone Weil, once said: “The extreme greatness of
Christianity lies in the fact that it does not seek a supernatural remedy for suffering, but a supernatural use for it.”
Our
suffering ceases to be suffering once we give meaning to it. Joy is born
in sorrow. Indeed, in God’s time,
our deepest hurts can become our greatest gifts. God freely gives us
the power of choice. Between guilt and grace, Christ chose grace. Let us
choose wisely….
From:
Tragic Redemption: Healing the Guilt
and Shame. (Langmarc Publishing 1-800-864-1648) By Rev. Hiram Johnson, LCSW. Tragic
Redemption tells the story of how
one man dealt with his guilt and despair after he caused the death of a
young woman. The story climaxes with an inspiring message as the author
leads the reader through the process that helped him discover God’s
peace and forgiveness.
Readers
will learn how to:
•
Understand divine meaning for experiencing guilt, shame, grace and
forgiveness.
•
Recognize the unconscious benefits of dysfunctional behavior as a whole.
•
Realize that healing is a life-long journey that will involve both
adversity and joy
in
their walk to wholeness.
•
Comprehend that salvation and trust may not have an immediate impact
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